On My Heart: Doubts and Guilty Feelings - The Follow Up


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I first want to thank Lacey @ Little Miss Nerd Girl - Lady, your words helped me so much, and I don't think that you have any idea. So, thank you, so much!



I've had a few days to settle in to this new schedule and life that is mine, and I have to say that all those fears and doubts were so ridiculous. This little boy of mine, is amazing. He's squishy and he smells like brand new baby, and he's got an adorable little head of hair that is so soft I can't help but rub his head. He is mine, he has my eyes, and my fingers, and oh is he mine. I am completely smitten.

And his big sister....be still my heart. She lights up every time she walks into the room that he's in, yells "heyyyyyy baby!" and gasps and smiles really huge! She is probably more smitten with him than I am! And at this point he has been home for four days and it doesn't look like she is going to change her ways any time soon! I could be wrong, but I think that she is going to be a great helper, if her actions so far reflect what it will continue to be like. So far she has brought him his bottle, helped feed him, shared her monkey with him, and brought him a blanket! (even though it was completely unnecessary, yet still adorable)

To make it short and sweet, I don't know what I was thinking. He is amazing. She is amazing. My husband is amazing. Everything is perfect, and I couldn't be happier.

I was so wrong, and I am so happy that I was wrong.

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart: Faith vs. Religion


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

FAIR WARNING: In this post will probably be at least a few controversial points of view. One of the greatest things about the internet is everyone is free to talk about their own opinions. This is mine, and mine alone. Please try and be respectful if you don't agree with something I am about to say.
 

 

I have struggled all my life with "religion." I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic, had my First Communion, was an Alter Girl for about two years, and never had my Confirmation. I've been to Protestant, Baptist, Non-Denominational and Roman Catholic services. I've had people invite me to their church, but I've never gone. I've never felt comfortable in a religious establishment and I've never found my place in any church, and I personally don't believe that I am meant to. I'm just not that kind of person who feels comfortable with the whole "church" situation.

I think what it boils down to, is I am more faith-based than religion-based. Let me try and explain. I like to believe that there is something wonderful after this life. And I do believe that there is a "God" of some capacity watching over us, whom I talk to on my own often. But, at the same time, I also believe that absolutely NOTHING is guaranteed. No one has ever been there and come back (at least not anyone that I know personally) so we really don't know. And that unknown is what worries me. What if we are ALL wrong and there is just nothing after we pass on? So, I have begun to live my life so that I am satisfied at the end that this life was enough. We are all blessed with the time we are given, and we should use it to the best of our ability. When I am old, I want to know that I have done all I can to live my life to the fullest, and be satisfied that it was enough, so that I can leave this world with no regrets, regardless of where we go next, if we go anywhere.

All I really want is to have a great relationship with my family, watch my kids grow up and have successful lives and families of their own, and to love them to the best of my ability. The rest is just filler. Of course I have things that I would like to go do, and go see, but at the end of the day, if I never again leave this little town I live in, and my family is healthy and happy, then so am I.

And I truly believe, that even though it might not be enough for everyone, that it is enough for me. =)

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart: Doubts and Guilty Feelings


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I'm going to share something today that I haven't told anyone, not even my husband. I don't know how to talk to him about it, and I'm not sure that I won't be ok once everything is said and done, but right now, I have a very strong feeling in my heart.




I don't feel connected to my baby boy who is growing inside me.




When we found out we were pregnant, we were shocked. After the initial blow, we started to get excited. Then we found out it was a boy. While I always thought I wanted one of each, now I'm not so sure.

To be honest, I kind of feel like he's going to steal time from Natalie and I. I have always always wanted a girl. And now that I have her, and she's getting to such a fun point in her childhood, I don't want to share her with anyone. I don't want my time divided.

This makes me sad, because I feel like I don't love this little boy at all. I know that will probably change, but I had such a traumatic experience with Natalie, that she became all that more precious to me. I WANTED her. I feel like a terrible mother for not wanting Cameron too. And it's not even that I don't WANT him, I am excited and happy that we are pregnant. I just wish I had more time before Natalie isn't my only child anymore.

I keep thinking of all the things that I want to do with Natalie by herself before her brother gets here, and I know that I don't have time to do them. A lot of those things will have to wait until her brother is older, and it makes me sad.

I don't know how I would feel if he was a girl. I probably wouldn't feel the same, but maybe I would. I honestly don't know. I hope, then when he is here and all is said and done, that I feel differently.

I guess maybe a lot of it stems from the fact that I've never dealt with a boy baby. I've never changed a boy diaper, or bought little boy clothes.(except for my nephew - but that's different) I was excited for my sister to have a boy, but now that my turn is here, I find myself almost wishing he was a girl. Why am I doing this to him?

Please, someone out there tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I'm going to fall in love with this little boy. Please tell me I have enough room in my heart and my life for both of them. Please tell me that Natalie isn't going to miss her "only child" status and is going to be a good big sister.

I'm not ready to be a Momma of two. I hope I can get ready - and fast.

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

Desire to Inspire - I Am Beautiful

 

When I saw this link up opportunity on Lena's blog a few weeks ago, I knew I had to join in. Body image is something that I think every girl struggles with at some point in their lives, and I have also dealt with personally for a good chunk of my life. There have been times when I have done something about it like pick my lazy butt up and get to the gym, and there are other times where I did nothing more than cry into my pillow when yet-another-stupid-boy called me fat or ugly.

 

Now that I have a daughter, I feel like it's even MORE important to feel comfortable with myself, just the way I am, so that I can lead by example for Natalie. Now, while I'm not currently "doing anything about it" I already have plans in place to get back into the gym, start my Waist Watcher Wednesday posts, remain accountable, and shed that baby weight. Then following that, get down to a place that FEELS healthy on the weight scale. I'm not SO worried about weight, more how I feel in my clothes and in my skin.

 

Also, at the same time I want to be ok with whatever point I am at in my weight loss. I want to feel confident and I am working on that. I am hoping that I will be successful in helping Natalie to have a positive self image as well. I don't know yet how exactly that will happen, other than to love her and tell her how beautiful she is, which isn't hard because she really is the most beautiful little girl to me!

 

On another note, more recently I have seen this great video that I am going to link here call the Dove Real Beauty Sketches, where girls describe themselves, and then a woman (or man) who has just had a brief conversation with them individually sit down with a sketch artist. The drawings are then placed side by side, and....well....just watch. It's amazing, sad, and revealing all at the same time.

 

 

Moral of the story:

 

 

You are more beautiful than you know. Embrace it. Live it. Flaunt it.

 

BE YOU, because you can't be anyone else.

 

And above all else:

 

See you later lovebugs,

 

 

 

Rachael



 

On My Heart: Bloom Where You Are Planted


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I recently read Kelle Hampton's book, Bloom. It was given to me by a fantastic lady out in California who blogs here. Kelle had put out to the world on Facebook that if her readers wanted to give or receive a copy of her book, to email her and request to either donate or request that you wanted one. I've been wanting to read her book ever since I knew it was being released. Unfortunately, budget hadn't allowed me to splurge on it, and something else more important always came up. So, I wrote in.

This fantastic woman read my email, read the story I told about Cameron being on the way, and money being tight, and she was kind enough to send me not only the book, but an adorable set of baby blankets, and a box of baby wipes as well! SO needed, and I just wanted to take a moment and THANK HER for the generosity and kindness she showed me. I can't wait to have him here so I can wrap him up in that adorable blanket and send her a photo of him!

Thank you, Marci Phee, you have no idea how your kindness has touched me!


So, I had a chance to read her book the whole way through, and while I knew the general story of Nella's birth through reading her blog, I was touched by the real emotions she had during the first year of her life. She went from one extreme (denial and sadness) to the other (pride and joy) and did so with grace and determination. I was impressed with how strong of a woman she is. I don't know that I could have done what she did. Granted I haven't been placed in that situation at all, but her book forced me to think about what would happen if Cameron was born with that magical chromosome that makes these children beautiful, yet different. I would like to think that I would handle it. I would like to think that it would be like no big deal. But if I am truly honest with myself, and you, that I would probably be worse off than Kelle was the moment she laid eyes on her daughter with her almond eyes and knew she was different. I have so many dreams for Cameron, just like Kelle did. I would hope that I could be as accepting and graceful as she is, and make his life the best it could be just by loving him, which is all you can really do for any of your children.

And I would and will love him. I know I will. So while Kelle's book gave me much to think about, I am determined to love Cameron...and Natalie...with all of my heart for all of the days of my life!

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart: Being an Unconventional Family


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, and encourages me to write about the real stuff, which is what this link-up is all about.

 

:: Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I thought about postponing this post and writing about the tragedy that occurred in Boston yesterday, but I thought it best to continue with what was written already, and just say that my hearts are with everyone involved. I hope that everyone finds peace in this troubled time::


I've thought a lot lately about being a traditional family. When I found out I was pregnant with Natalie I thought about all of the things I would do with her as she grew up. I had grand plans.

I was going to breastfeed. Then Natalie came seven weeks early and my milk never came in. Dream Over.

I was going to cloth diaper. Man, those things are expensive! And we didn't get any at our baby shower. Dream Over.

I was going to make sure I woke up every time the baby cried. Exhaustion won over, and the baby went back to sleep. Dream Over.

I was going to make sure that Natalie never put anything in her mouth that isn't supposed to be there, like you know.....dog food? Yeah that happened. Food that fell on the floor? Already been there. Toys that are not meant for chewing on? Done that. Dream Over. (God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt right???)

I was going to make sure that she was introduced to many different foods and that she always got her veggies. Then she got semi-picky and always wanted chicken nuggets and tater tots. I got pregnant again, and refuse to fight with her over it some nights. Dream Over.

I want to say that my house is always clean, but sometimes the trash overflows, the floors are dirty, toys are everywhere, and there is pet hair all over the floor that I let my daughter play on, but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. Dream Over.

I was going to make sure that meal time was at the table and never in front of the TV. Yeah, we never use our kitchen table. Dream Over.

 

At least she's sort of at a table right?

I was going to make sure that she gets a bath every night. Yeah, again, no energy and I just do NOT feel like fighting her to sit still while I dry her hair every night especially when she is already over-tired. Dream Over.

 I wish I could say that I never get frustrated, never get angry, but that would be a lie. But will also say that I love her with my entire heart and soul, and I think she has a pretty good idea just how much I love her - at least I would hope she does. And, for the most part, she is happy and healthy, and even if we aren't perfect, she is loved. That counts for something right?

I want to say that everything else I will follow through with. I want to say that eventually we will be a traditional family, but I would be kidding myself. We are an unconventional family, and in this day and age, I'm starting to think that being that way is more normal than abnormal.

Now I just have to learn how to be ok with it.

 

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about. I hope you hop over there and tell her hello!

 

I want to write about something today that I think may be a little bit controversial. I am going to try and put it into words that won't offend or hurt anyone, but just in case here are the subjects:

Same-sex relationships
Abortion/adoption
Religion
The Freedom of Choice

If these are touchy subjects for you, I would suggest skipping my post today!

 

We have been seeing a lot of things in the news lately about laws being passed allowing same-sex couples the right to a marriage certificate. If you're on Facebook, your feed is probably littered with it. I want to share something with you that a friend of mine posted, that I completely agree with.

"Seems to me if everyone were more focused on loving one another rather than proving a point there would be no need for all these = signs. Christians stop talking about what you are against. Gay community stop talking about what you are against. Show some love and let love do the talking. Both sides just sound like clanging symbols at this point."

It seems like a lot of people in this world today have an incessant need to be right, and for everyone that they are associated with (and sometimes even NOT associated with) to feel the same way they do, or they are WRONG and DAMNED to Hell. While I am a spiritual person, I am not overly religious, but I would hope that if I live my life to the best of my ability and be the best person I can be, that if God DOES meet me at the end of my time here on Earth, that I will be forgiven and accepted regardless of the things I have done in my life.

I really take to heart what she says about focusing on loving one another rather than beating down anyone who doesn't believe the way you do. Take abortion/adoption for instance. It has been my standing for a very long time that while abortion is NOT RIGHT for me, I certainly have no right to tell ANYONE else what to do. I would rather there be a safe, legal way to do it, then there to be no legal way and people dying from abortion doctors illegally performing surgeries that have NO idea what they are doing. Is adoption always the right choice? Maybe for you. But instead of pushing your ideals on everyone else, we should realize that everyone has the freedom to CHOOSE what they want to do with their lives, and that they have no control over anyone except themselves. (and most of the time your children...at least until they turn 18)

And the same goes for same-sex marriages. Is it for me? No. Is it for my friends? Maybe. Does that give me the right to judge them, tell them they are wrong, and disown them? NO!

Build up the people around you, because they just might be the people you end up needing the most. THAT is the right thing to do.


Peace and Love, man. Peace and Love.
 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time daydreaming. In this pinterest-inspired world, there is a lot of information out there and a lot of false hopes being put out there.

If only I was a little more domesticated, if only I did more projects, if only I could sew/cook/clean/bake/take care of my kids like she can. Hey, I can make that! Hey, I can do that! Hey, I can paint that!

I wish I had more money, I wish I had more time, I wish...I wish...I wish.

I admit, more days than not I get sucked into it.

Then, as I listened to a song called "Miracle" by Michael Tolcher, I realized that instead of wishing, I should be doing.

So today, I urge you to put aside your wants, focus on your here and now, and make YOUR world YOUR miracle.

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael

On My Heart...


This will be my first time ever linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I've started to notice a trend with some of the bigger blogs that I follow and read on a regular basis.

 

 

SPONSORSHIP.

 

 

It's becoming a lot more popular, and it almost seems like if you want to "make money" or "be popular" or "have a lot of followers" you have to sponsor, and buy sponsorship from other blogs. At the same time, I have seen a lot of the blogs that I follow saying how they don't like how much time that sponsorship takes up for them, so they aren't doing it anymore. I have also seen a few that now pay for a virtual assistant, because of how much goes into sponsoring blogs.

 

I've tried it. I focused on it for about four months. It was....HARD. It was a lot of work, for very little gain. Sure, my blog went from 30 followers to about 80, but how many of those people really read every post I write? Not even half. Quite frankly, I barely have time to blog, let alone focus on helping someone else get exposure through my little teeny blog, so it really isn't working out for me. I'm often nervous about contacting the blogs that I love to ask them if they will swap buttons with me, because (A) who would take that exchange? Not a big time blogger who already has like-a-million-followers and (B) who am I kidding? They probably haven't ever read a thing that I write and don't have any intention to read anything I write in the future.

 

And you know what? I'm starting to figure out that it's ok. I really want this blog to go back to where it was when I started. I started this blog to document my wedding, and share my ideas with my friends. Then when that was over, it became more personal. Then I got pregnant, and I shared my daughter with you. I want to get back to the point where I write to share, not to make my blog popular. I also know how much I love reading about other people's families, and how much I hate filler posts (GFC follower link-ups especially) and find myself skipping over sponsor posts more often than not. So, I don't want to become that kind of blog.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love a good link-up, and this doesn't mean that I'm going to stop doing EVERYTHING except journaling our lives. I just really want to share MORE of the things that mean the world to me, and less of the things that I was doing JUST to get people to like me.

 

It will be hard because I am a people-pleaser. I am happy as long as everyone else is happy with me. If I have an issue unresolved with someone, it drives me INSANE. It's just the way I am. But I'm hoping that those of you that read will stick around because you love seeing my family and care somewhat about my successes, and commiserate with my failures. Because that's what this community has been for me: support, friendship, comfort and reassurance. And I hope I can give all of that to you as well.

 

So, this is the start. Thanks for reading!!

 

 

And if you have time, and would like to check out some of the wonderful blogs who have inspired ME, I have a new blog love section on my sidebar. None of those ladies asked to be there, they are there because they are important to me, and women who I love to read about. I hope you will read too!

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael