Tuesday, May 14, 2013

On My Heart: Doubts and Guilty Feelings

I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

I'm going to share something today that I haven't told anyone, not even my husband. I don't know how to talk to him about it, and I'm not sure that I won't be ok once everything is said and done, but right now, I have a very strong feeling in my heart.

I don't feel connected to my baby boy who is growing inside me.

When we found out we were pregnant, we were shocked. After the initial blow, we started to get excited. Then we found out it was a boy. While I always thought I wanted one of each, now I'm not so sure.

To be honest, I kind of feel like he's going to steal time from Natalie and I. I have always always wanted a girl. And now that I have her, and she's getting to such a fun point in her childhood, I don't want to share her with anyone. I don't want my time divided.

This makes me sad, because I feel like I don't love this little boy at all. I know that will probably change, but I had such a traumatic experience with Natalie, that she became all that more precious to me. I WANTED her. I feel like a terrible mother for not wanting Cameron too. And it's not even that I don't WANT him, I am excited and happy that we are pregnant. I just wish I had more time before Natalie isn't my only child anymore.

I keep thinking of all the things that I want to do with Natalie by herself before her brother gets here, and I know that I don't have time to do them. A lot of those things will have to wait until her brother is older, and it makes me sad.

I don't know how I would feel if he was a girl. I probably wouldn't feel the same, but maybe I would. I honestly don't know. I hope, then when he is here and all is said and done, that I feel differently.

I guess maybe a lot of it stems from the fact that I've never dealt with a boy baby. I've never changed a boy diaper, or bought little boy clothes.(except for my nephew - but that's different) I was excited for my sister to have a boy, but now that my turn is here, I find myself almost wishing he was a girl. Why am I doing this to him?

Please, someone out there tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I'm going to fall in love with this little boy. Please tell me I have enough room in my heart and my life for both of them. Please tell me that Natalie isn't going to miss her "only child" status and is going to be a good big sister.

I'm not ready to be a Momma of two. I hope I can get ready - and fast.


Until later lovebugs,


A Royal Daughter


Lacey said...

Rachael, you are an excellent mother. Once you see Cameron's squishy little face you will fall heads over heels for him. It's tough having babies close together. Chloe and Grayson were both surprises, Chloe is 17 months younger than Irelyn and Grayson is 13 months younger than Chloe. When I found out I was pregnant with each of them I cried. I was so worried about the current baby not getting enough time to be a baby. I was worried I was cheating them out of all that goes along with being the youngest, but all my worry was for naught. The minute I saw them I was in love. The first time David held them I was even more in love. And once they met their siblings for the first time, my heart all but burst. It's not easy mothering littles close in age, it is most definitely a huge challenge, but you will find a groove that works for your little family. Make sure your husband helps you. Natalie is going to love spending time with both you AND Cameron because you have set a good example for her about what love is. Don't worry too much, but if for any reason at all you still feel disconnected after having Cameron, make sure you talk to someone. Please, please, please don't keep those feelings to yourself if you feel that way, okay? You've got this. You'll do great. I'm rooting for you!

Très bien said...

I feared the same thing but as soon as my son came out I was so in love there was nothing I could about it :]. Don't worry momma!

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