On My Heart: Doubts and Guilty Feelings


I will be linking up with Amanda @ A Royal Daughter for today's On My Heart post. Amanda's blog and the way she lives her life inspires me, which is what this post is all about.

 

I'm going to share something today that I haven't told anyone, not even my husband. I don't know how to talk to him about it, and I'm not sure that I won't be ok once everything is said and done, but right now, I have a very strong feeling in my heart.




I don't feel connected to my baby boy who is growing inside me.




When we found out we were pregnant, we were shocked. After the initial blow, we started to get excited. Then we found out it was a boy. While I always thought I wanted one of each, now I'm not so sure.

To be honest, I kind of feel like he's going to steal time from Natalie and I. I have always always wanted a girl. And now that I have her, and she's getting to such a fun point in her childhood, I don't want to share her with anyone. I don't want my time divided.

This makes me sad, because I feel like I don't love this little boy at all. I know that will probably change, but I had such a traumatic experience with Natalie, that she became all that more precious to me. I WANTED her. I feel like a terrible mother for not wanting Cameron too. And it's not even that I don't WANT him, I am excited and happy that we are pregnant. I just wish I had more time before Natalie isn't my only child anymore.

I keep thinking of all the things that I want to do with Natalie by herself before her brother gets here, and I know that I don't have time to do them. A lot of those things will have to wait until her brother is older, and it makes me sad.

I don't know how I would feel if he was a girl. I probably wouldn't feel the same, but maybe I would. I honestly don't know. I hope, then when he is here and all is said and done, that I feel differently.

I guess maybe a lot of it stems from the fact that I've never dealt with a boy baby. I've never changed a boy diaper, or bought little boy clothes.(except for my nephew - but that's different) I was excited for my sister to have a boy, but now that my turn is here, I find myself almost wishing he was a girl. Why am I doing this to him?

Please, someone out there tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I'm going to fall in love with this little boy. Please tell me I have enough room in my heart and my life for both of them. Please tell me that Natalie isn't going to miss her "only child" status and is going to be a good big sister.

I'm not ready to be a Momma of two. I hope I can get ready - and fast.

 

 

Until later lovebugs,

 

Rachael